I often regret not to go to the park before 4:45pm, just because it’s such a serene place to be, with the water body lying on top of a running river, and so much natural green that I felt healing and at peace.
I think I should go.
Today I have been sitting around and trying to finish exactly two tasks: schedule my dental meetup, and send exactly one email to the waste management office in Kamakura that I have been putting off since the beginning of summer. And the rest of time, I spent on Instagram, posting irrelevant positive vibes stuff, and looking at people’s living their life in excitement. I don’t really know what that does to me, but I felt fatigue. I just felt like I need to go out and enjoy the sun and the water. But at the same times, I realize how much leisure I am enduring. To an extent, it is not getting to good.
I want to spend sometimes jogging with friends, and maybe working on some projects with my team. I feel like out of place and lost sometimes. I felt like there has been no leadership whatsoever.
I felt like there were goals I was able to achieve, but once acquired, there is no meaning to it anymore.
And I felt like a drop on the roller coaster that now I’m even scared of stepping on.
“If you got to eliminate all fear that you have at the moment, what is the visualization of matter that you wish you would be in?”
I felt like, we’re all terrified of what other people think of us. We’re scared of wearing our wounds and show that we’re bleeding. Then we become numb and indifferent to the pain and suffering of others. And we don’t really go anywhere because we’re scared of the disappointment that it might have.
I’m scared of disappointment.
Truth is, I have lost in having self-discipline. I’ve lost in doing my best. I’ve lost the sight of why I am here, and where I was heading to. I felt into the boring trap of comfort, and was unable to risk myself to make new connections. I’m scared of the uncertainty.
Truth is, I didn’t pass my tests. My classes. My education is falling apart, I feel. I don’t know why, but I’m missing the support.
Am I judging myself so much?
I need to buy a tree maybe, something I can take care of. Something I can pay attention to instead of myself. Something that I wish I could be doing different.
I feel like nobody really told me what it felt like for someone to have a goal and able to achieve it. The question of “Now What?” truly haunted me. I felt like the drop afterward was just as exhausting as the climb, and I felt like it wasn’t that big of a deal to work on.
Look, one thought that I had from having my panic attack, was “Oh GOSH, I have to bear all of the burden living again?”. The funny thing when I thought of, when I had my panic attack was: “Ok, this wasn’t too bad. It’s scary, yes, but it wasn’t as terrifying as I thought of it to be. And if this is the way I would die, then I’m totally up for it.”
Then I feel like living is so much harder than dying.
Like, for real. Surviving is so much harder than dying. You can die so easily, yet to have the chance to live, and also take the most out of it, is like, TIRING. But then I think that’s so important to live the most out of it. Even if taking a break would mean that you’re living the best of your life.
There are a few problems that I have at the moments:
- My positive energy is currently on deplete. I totally forgot how to stay energize. My parents said I need to do meditation, but it’s not helping.
- Tiredness is possibly be part of our life.
- I’m most happy when I could spend time with others and learn, and also, improving my teamwork. Maybe I will write a little bit about teamwork and what has the pandemic changed the way we collaborate with each others.
- I’m not being accountable, and not being reliable.
- I’m not advancing.
- I’m not building community.
- I’m not following a healthy eating habits.
- My habits are not the most healthy and productive as I wish it could be.
- I’m not defining my comfort zone and actively stepping out of it.
- I’m not taking actions that I should to achieve my goals, because I haven’t seen the immediate rewards of having the goals
I found this article be very interesting: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/life-after-success-what-happens-when-you-reach-big-goal-steve-strick
Another one that talks about having a good life from World Economic Forum
Somehow, I learned that my energy level improved after 6pm. It’s kinda peaked around that time. The morning is perhaps the worst for me, but I’m not really sure why. There’s something about my sleeping schedule and body circulation that doesn’t really serve me well in the morning.
Anyway, today wasn’t a really great day, but at least I got to talk and share stuff to you all.
Maybe I will try to be more helpful.
Do I feel like going to the book club today?
I want to give some gifts to my professors.
And write him a response in Japanese.
So I will do it before the meeting tonight.
Good night everyone!