I wish that the room won’t be this empty after 10 o’clock + A diary on playing chess

It’s weird. I sent a message. Nothing was sent back in return. Like always, I was slightly disappointed.

But I guess maybe I was trying too hard. Maybe I should stop trying so hard? I don’t know. It’s an empty room and I thought I did the right thing. Right or wrong, only time could tell.

I’m still sitting here, finished my day with most of the things checked off my list. I was also supposed to meditate with my family today, but I did not. Because I was playing chess. I was in the middle of the game, so I did not join them. Supposedly, I should have. Even when my father messaged me, I should have dropped it. But I went on, and obviously lost the last game.

Chess was perhaps, my only source of fun for the moment? I use it as a point of reward. I feel vulnerable saying this, because it felt like whenever I share with you something important, it lost its value in my life. Like several conversations I had before, I told you because I want to get it out. And the problem is, once it’s got out into the thin air, or the abyss of the Internet, even if it’s still in the name of this blog, it’s lost in the moment.

I still want to improve my skill for a little bit more, before coming back to combat mode to gain points on my account. I was losing before this period. I have loss hundreds of matches and haven’t seen myself improving. These days, I’ve been playing as guest mode, and I was lucky to win a few. I hope that those were compatible matches, that my skill wasn’t that bad, and that I did win strategically rather than being lucky. Things were, first of all, that I have been able to recognize my mistake immediately when I made it. That’s one thing I was proud of. And secondly, I have been able to see opponents’ predictable moves. That excites me at first, because now I could think further into the game rather than being stuck at the opening. But then I know, at some points, it would become a habit. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe it would not. Once I’ve mastered the art of Chess, perhaps I would not see it as fun as before anymore. The mountain has been climbed, and maybe I have seen enough of it. Regardless, now is not the time to enjoy the view of the top yet. Perhaps, I was yet to be there.

It’s not really that the Queen’s Gambit, the Netflix series that inspired me to play chess. I have been playing chess since I was 7 years old, and I picked up the game because my dad cared about my well-being enough that he put me through the summer class. I was lucky, because we were the first few kids who fresh out of kindergarten to learn chess. My close friends also learned with me, but I was again a few one who played in the municipal tournament and won the third place. Indeed, unlike my younger brother, I would never finished the first. Throughout my years at primary and secondary schools, I had never prized to be the best. The top 3, they said, and I learned that I have to always try harder. But that third place had became my source of motivation rather than a burden. I could always do better, I thought. It’s great not to have the pressure to be the best of the competition, because the competition has never stopped.

Chess to me, was the complemental component of my daily right-brain oriented character. It’s the logical, strategic, orderly and assertive part of me that I could train with. I would, certainly become emotional, even in chess, but I think the sport taught me how to assess the situation and think ahead more clearly, rather than taking too short-sighted approach. I would say, now, that I would need to take more lessons, maybe, and to see the table structured with codes. But I would rather visualize the steps. It’s much more fun. At some points, I would probably need to look back and analyze my mistakes, but so far, I have been playing as intuitively as I could. Perhaps, I need to be more patient with myself if I want to do that more successfully. Perhaps, I would need to be a little bit more proactive with my training, by reading more books and stuff. Yet, I haven’t seen anything good to do with chess playing beside having it as a leisure activity: an activity that I shall use to reward myself with, rather than training into becoming something professional. Do I dream of being featured in chess tournament leadership board? Not really. Not as for now. I would probably playing it low-key. However, I know where I am going with it though. I know an opponent that I want to take down. And I know I’m working toward it.

Failure as an indispensable part of our life, could be quite meaningful. Sometimes, you failed so hard or so frequent that instead of being fearful and sad, you become angry and mad. That’s when failure become fatally dangerous, not to yourself but to your opponent. Chess is like so, you need good opponent who trigger your pain and train your patience. I have always enjoyed that part.

The empty room was less empty. I checked my message, and although there was still no message back from the person I was rooting for, somebody responded to my stories and I felt like I could have seen my day lighted up a little bit. I just wanted to make someone’s day better, and I felt much happier whenever I could.

I don’t know whether I love Chess or not. Not really. More like a sense of appreciation, and a pride rather than affection and fondness. Do I get excited? Not really, or maybe, a little bit. I don’t think it’s a boring endeavor, or rather, it might be actually boring, but I’m glad that there’s a leisure being derived from it. I know that I would be better at it the more I practice and the more I challenge myself with harder opponents. Maybe one day, I would take part in a tournament just to see how I can go with it. Maybe someday I would meet the Queen’s Gambit, or maybe one day I would take the Queen’s Gambit myself. Until then, it won’t be much of a concern.

A configuration of my proudest match: I had 0:16.2 minutes left and checked mate with #Re8

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