Nothing matters until you produce something that is worthy of time

“I think therefore I am” wouldn’t be enough for the sake of living. Honestly, if we just think and call it a life, we would probably be just streams of light running through the empty space without making any real impact. The philosophical question of “why am I here” isn’t much entertaining to me anymore, given that now, I’m pretty much aware how we are born being stardust, and made of particles that are also similar of that jelly fish swimming in the middle of the ocean (very romantic) and also those rocks that are being laid under the deathbed of an abandoned desert. I wouldn’t care much about where would I be after I die, rather, I would try my best to enjoy the snacks my great friend Mark have sent me all the way from Kyoto. Honestly I haven’t eaten such great snacks in a long time; I don’t know, maybe I just got excited that she sent me snacks, and I was just purely happy with that. Disregard the fact that I’m still struggling to get my tasks done, life is pretty great at the moment.

It’s 11:35 pm here. I’m not that hungry but I think I’m behaving like a sad, moody cow. Very humiliating. Does dancing makes one more popular than writing? How come? Wait, but my brother still read manga. And I think that our generations are pretty fked with Instagram. I hate it. Very much hated it that I kept deleting it over and over again. It’s a toxic one. Yet, probably after turning myself into a hermit crab, I’d probably go back to the game again. The SNS one. It drives me nuts, I know, but I’m sure everybody is nuts these days: We are just on too much simulation. I think I should just sleep.

Sometimes I felt that I would probably give up on trying too hard surviving out of my comfort zone. I don’t know where is my comfort zone anymore. Actually, I’m just tired, and being lazy. I have not been out of my comfort zone that long though. Maybe too long I might be that frog sitting in a gradually boiling water pot. You get accustomed to the situation so much you don’t know that it’s killing you. And much of that comes with being comfortable and being adaptive. Honestly, the frog should have jumped out. She didn’t though. Would she?

Also I want to probably put more effort into PR myself again but I was also quite burnt out with all the bullshit I came up with. Sadness sometimes is more realistic (often time quite realistic) than hype and happiness. I guess it’s just how far you are from a stable progression point, and then if it’s too up high you felt like your mind are lost, and too deep down then you thought you went down on a spiral of depression. I guess you just have to find yourself in between and remember to make progress.

I have been working on my own personal, physical paper journal and I felt proud of it, but at the same time, I felt there were still a need to share the thoughts here with you all. I still don’t know who read these lines, who care about it, who would judge it and throw it into the flame, but I don’t really care. Honestly, I just wanted to say this, and it’s up to you to interpret what you think. I miss talking to real people, and share with people opinions and talks. But now that I’m online, and everyone is, the blurry line between what make us real in reality and what we want ourselves to be digitally is just a matter of viewpoint.

It’s however, incredible to learn how much we have gone since the dawn of Earth. It’s been great. I felt like I was just being born again. Chilling, I see lights clashing with each others and see everything passed by, magnificently, seeing things like I have never seen before. There’s a journey going through space that we could imagine, as if we have been there, as if our ancestors have been there and they are transmitting the ideas as well as the visions for us.

I think that human civilization is just trying hard to compete with light. Why do we care so much of going to Mars? Elon Musk believe that we would probably be doomed so if we don’t then we die. But isn’t it true that everybody do die? Like, eventually, we would all die. Maybe not at the same time, and I think Musk is referring to that risk of dying at the same time. Just like Corona, when there are just too many people die at the same time, the support system collapse, the death rate shoot up passed the maintainable population or the birth rate, thus potentially wiped out the entire population or the species. Musk would probably believe that Earth could be destroyed either with nuclear war or massive astroid hitting us (need more clarification and citation here) but I guess, you know, in our pursue of living and suffering, that could just be a small part of some bigger deal. Like when you claps a mosquito, the fact that the mosquito is dead is insignificant to us, and we clapped it for a defensive justifiable reason. However, to the mosquito itself and the next relevant time-space scale associated with it, the death of the mosquito is grand, tragic and appalling, especially if the mosquito itself a very noble one.

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