Perhaps I do dream of a different reality than where I am at now. I want to be in a different place where I might be surrounded by people. It might be painful, but maybe it would be a little bit different.
I understand that at the end of the book, Gail wanted to portrait a positive position of emergence, but most of the time I think the conflict and problems would not really go away. Rather, there will be a different set of conflicts and problems, that Gail was not there to record. Her experience living with Haruko’s family was more or less extraordinary. It was unique and authentic within itself.
I found myself being excited by the progress that Utsunomiya’s family made towards the end of the book. However, there is a doubt within me, talking of how things could be seen as desirable whereas it in fact might not be as fully portrayed as other moments in the book. Nonetheless, it was a great progress, and to an extend, Gail demonstrated how some certain characteristics of Haruko’s would play a role in the success of the couple, as well as how it had changed for them as time went by. One thing I found admirable, is that the couple were seen to have much more aligned ambitions, and were able to live the life they want. But even so, when they were doing farming works, they were able to enjoy it, so to an extent, although it was tough, their lives were actually enjoyable from the beginning.
Reading the book’s ending gave me this drive of ideas of how I would also be living my life more meaningfully. Everyday I woke up, it would be very much the same. But recently, I have found myself treasuring people’s presence in my life much more. Not just those who I were closed to, but also people who I would barely take in consideration as acquaintance. There are seemingly different ways of living, but now that I have learned to be more observant, I should also be a bit more reflective.
I found myself being jealous of some of my friends’ posts. The feeling was uncomfortable, and I asked myself why. Jealousy was something I am not proud of, and I don’t want to put so much energy into that. I wanted to feel inspired and motivated rather than feeling a sense of jealousy. Somehow, I decided to step away from the screen and try to reexamined my feeling. Perhaps something wasn’t right with my perception of the person who I was jealous of.
I thought about sky-diving and how it has been sitting on my to-do list for so long. Still, I haven’t had the courage to do it yet. What is stopping me? Perhaps the fear of death. I want to prolong it as long as possible. But it wasn’t really that one. It was more about inaction, and doubt. If I just do it, maybe I could have had a video of me jumping off the plane already. What is that thing holding me back?
Honestly though I thought I would be a content creator, but now I’m in tokyo sitting in an empty (so so) studying about waste management. Where is my Chanel bag?
See, that’s one thing. There are two sides of me, which one be like: “OMG, I can throw away everything right now and go live under a tree and be with nature” and the other one would be like “heyy that’s a nice designer car” and all the fanciful branded products.
Conflicted. Why am I such a mess like this?
I mean, I think I have spent so much time on Youtube, that I forgot what it is like to be a little bit sane in real life. I think I’m too chaotic for writing articles and not doing so much arts.
Also, maybe I should have an advisor. One that would keep me away from death. And one that keep me fly high. What can I do for them though?
What is the most important thing right now? I would be hosting the online event tomorrow. Hella nervous yall.
Again, I maybe need to take more actions. I shouldn’t spend too much time reflecting and not taking actions. I should take more actions, such as going to skydiving.
Is going to skydiving worth it? Why would I be doing sky diving for, if it’s just for a moment of Adrenaline rush? If it is just to prove to myself that I am capable and courageous, perhaps I could do something more worthy?
But skydiving could possibly be the best experiences. So maybe I should do that.