Perhaps the hardest thing of all to do is to predict the future. I found it hard. Perhaps I should learn more about data analysis. Imagine how awesome it is to be more efficient with predicting trends and repetitive behaviours.

I made a mistake of taking way too many classes during my first semester of third year at my university. It’s incredibly weird, that I was ignoring many of my tasks until the very late deadline, not to mention, I often missed it. I spent more time on things that I like to do, such as organizing events and run student-led activities. I spent more time with my friends and other who made me happy so that I could stay sane while being away from home. Regardless of the fact that I was sane for a couple of weeks, going to sleep early and whenever possible, without having the guilt over unfinished tasks, I now had to face the fact that lots of my responsibilities, that I have been ignoring, are piling up a bunch on top of my desktop.

And it’s been hard to take a step back to see how big of the pile is.

I wanted to think of an innovative solution to deal with the mess that I made, like I always do. I’ve been sometimes lazy, and many time unproductive. I just think that time for our life is so limited why do we have to suffer, but then at the same time I have to admit, those moment of suffereing does bring out the best reward.

So now I that I’m looking at the cursed folder on top of my head, while closing down my eyes trying to take a virtual nap, I wonder what it is to be like to stay sane during the stress like now.

Perhaps I could have ran more, I could have changed my mind for the better.. Perhaps I shouldn’t be this greedy, and this chaotic. But everybody is greedy. Everybody should always have something to gain. Or else, why? Why would anyone want to stop.

Also, Im scared being surrounded by people. but at the same time, I love them. I love the complexity of it, but at the same time, I am tired of it. Maybe I should take a power nap.

And my power nap turned into a long night sleep. I missed one of the meeting I did not have an obligation to attend. And who knows, probably no one will notice that I did not attend. But it is not important how I would be perceived. After all, public opinion and attention moved as quickly as waves, so no, it won’t last for long.

“Sometimes you can be as high as the ice water of mount Everest, and sometimes you would be just lay deep as mud in the Death Sea”

I woke up at 2:45 am something, not so hungry, but uneasy in my mouth. I was imagining that I was thrown into the cold river. What would I do to survive? I was almost drown so many times. And I survived, so this time, what can I do to survive?

One way was to try really hard to find a stable point to grasp onto, but I remembered that every time when I try to do that, I would be pushed to the point of exhaustion, and suffocation. You could only help someone if you are not drowning either, or you are on the ground.

But when you are all by yourself, what would it be that you should do?

Stay. CALM.

Float. And don’t try so hard.

That is when you don’t know how to swim, or you just really don’t have any power left.

Calm down first, and do whatever it needs to take you forward later.

Everything can be solved with trials to carry out a sequence of steps, but sometimes it’s hard to reset, and so it’s important to carry out our steps delibrately.

That means we need to have the ability to map out our actions creatively and systematically. We have to be systematic, but we also have to stay open to new possibility.

And be calm.

P/s: I think that I learned best from making mistakes. And that’s why I love the process of making mistakes quite intensively. But only if I could learn something, then it is valuable.

I also made a mistake of projecting my negativity onto my loved one – one that I cared about. I think that it is good not to have an immediate response about that. I wouldn’t expect. There was a blurry line between being truthful to my emotions and my vulnerability to being always positive and hopeful. But I was indeed at a low mood, and I really don’t want to sugarcoat a fantasy of perfection. I wanted him to see my downside, and he could choose to walk away with it.

It’s not a hopeful thing to do, but I would rather be ready with the fact that anyone could leave me anytime without warning. And sometimes it’s better to understand, they make the voluntary decisions to stay with me and so on.

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