I closed my eyes and wrote this without looking at the key board

To be quiet honest with you

I failed myself today again

It’s ok to fail, they say, but this, I have failed so many times.

It’s Thursday already.

Times fly so fast and i don’t know whether I’m still living or not. I don’t know where I am heading to.

I talked to my dad today, and realized how I have been working on this goals and dreams and admiration, and they are not necessary my most interested fields. Are they my passion? 

Working in the UN, JICA and such field just for the sake of working there and because I’m from social science doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, in term of happiness. I want to have a better purpose of working, rather than the mere satisfaction that everybody boasts about when they present their newest e-books.

I want out try new things. At least for now, when there are just so much uncertainty but at the same times, so many opportunities to try out. I want to improve my productivity. I want to keep myself young and active. I  don’t want to progress in 3 years looking back and feel that I have achieved nothing. I want to be able to say, hey, in the last 3 years, I have done so much.

My dream is to have a garden pool.

At the end of the day, one thing that keeps me awake is how inadequate I feel about myself, and that I haven’t done my goals, or achieve the things that I wanted to. I think that I have been giving in, and fail to sustain a certain level of discipline needed to make things happen. I have procrastinated under pressure. I have failed to live up to my expectation and responsibility. I feel a sense of defeat.

Yet this morning when I woke up, I realized that I didn’t have a will power in the morning. I think i need to. Develop will power in the morning, to help me carry out throughout the day. 

I haven’t texted my crush just because I think he isn’t interested in me. I don’t know. I haven’t answered any of the people’s text yet. Maybe I should/ I would.

See, when everything is happening online, you are still interacting with some people in real time. You are talking to real people. People who might be able to help you, people who might be able to learn from you, people who might interested in being part of your life.

You are not living up to your potential B. You told yourself that you can do  lot of things. That’s your brain fooling you and preventing you from a full panic. But then you need to stay very disciplined and priority things.

You need to be open to risks. You need to feel the pain. You can’t be lazy. You

Or maybe, actually, you are lazy. Maybe you need rest. Maybe your mind need some rest,. Maybe you need a step away from the laptop and just be in the nature. Maybe you can be happy and be alive. 

What if you have the courage to do all the things that we can do. What if we are not simping over Youtube. It’s a dead trap. My brain is not working that efficiently anymore.

But the funny thing is that I can still think, and that my brain can stay quite productive, while I let my eyes rest. Actually, I was just thinking, what would happen if I can’t see anymore. Would it be pathetic of me to be visually impair?? or being something more of a new adaption that I might be proud of and connect to, rather than being scruntinied.

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