Face the fear

Take the hard road, they say, while I’m still staying in my cocoon thinking hard about what I can do next.

I don’t know what have changed, but I need to revise my principles again. And actually commit to it. I want to be fearless again.

I think I have passed the point where I can be carefree, but I want to be more courageous. At the moment, I am thinking of too much risk. I am being surrounded by my own cloud of thoughts, and I’m not taking enough actions.

Today was another unproductive day.

I spent a lot of time thinking about things that I didn’t act on. Just our of fear. Fear of being rejected. Fear of failing. Fear of being judged by someone I might come to love. Fear of being bored. Fear of commitment. Fear of not working out.

Would Neural Link’s microchip be helpful for me? Do I need one?

Maybe not really. Not as for now.

Everything I have done, is half-ass. I don’t like it. I don’t like how I’m not pursuing one hard enough.

I miss creating things. I miss working on projects and see it work. I want to collaborate with people and push things through. I don’t want to isolate myself, but at the same time, being as conflicting as I am, I don’t want to be emotionally attached to anyone either.

But at the same time, I realized that I just have too much time to desire and act on. Which is a curse and a blessing at the same time.

I want to have the gut to pursue whatever I want. At the moment I want to know more about you.

I want to sleep earlier. I want to know better, I want to learn better. I want to have a meaningful life. Not a life full of laugher and happiness, but a life that is rich in experiences and returns.

There are just so many things to discover and strive for.

What is it like for us in 100 years? Can you imagine how it is like to live to 100 years?

Who will be with us, and who won’t? I will miss people so much, those who I love. And those who I don’t want to let go. I miss my grandfather, and I miss my parents so much. I can’t imagine a world without them. I wish them always be well, and stay with me as long as they can.

I am trying to make sense of the things I’m wondering about. So far it has been a miserable search.

Why is it so hard to admit that I like a person, just from watching him on the screen?

There was this odd struck of feeling that I had tried spending the whole day to get rid of it. Catching feeling isn’t so comfortable. Indeed, it can be quite painful. I’m trying not to get into the painful part, so although I know that it would be a great ride of emotion, I can’t avoid being a little bit cautious about how to move things forward. After all, heartbreak is real, and it has a lasting impact on me for a while.

But at the same times, I’m just thinking that our lives go pass by a blink of eyes, so why am I spending so much time worrying about things that might not matter at all in a century?

Actually, I don’t know.

Again, asking ourselves, what it is like to live the life of 100 years from now?

I want to kind of staying youthful like this. I think this has been the best period of my life, so that is why I want to do something meaningful out of it.

Man search for meaning, maybe I should try to finish reading that book.

Ok, there are a lot of books that I have started but I have not finished reading them just yet. I’m very not happy about that.

And also I need to establish a system that would make better decision for me.

But I’m too intuitive, maybe? I don’t know. It’s hard to say.

How can we make better decisions intuitively?

I have forgotten about Full-moon, and everything that’s a hallmark of my childhood. That’s weird.

Also I realized that by spending a lot of time looking at other people’s lives on Instagram, I’m taking away time that I’m spending for building my empire.

What kind of empire would you like to build?

If you die tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret?

• Maybe not answering my current favorite person’s text

The thing is, maybe I have been worrying too much about lives in the future, that I kind of forget what it is like to live in the moment and work on things that I can improve immediately.

But at the same times, visionary are whoever shape the future of the society, we can’t blame but try to become one of them.

I mean, what is the worst outcome for us? We would all die. This hard truth is just going to stick around humanity as long as the universe exists with the galaxy and the Earth in it. And it should be ok too.

I still don’t know why the brain works so hard and it’s so damn great. If I’m every grateful for anything, maybe I should be grateful for the brain itself.

I don’t know to live in fear. I would rather be miserable but fearless, than being happy but have no gut to do anything. Sometimes it’s hard to fk everything up and try to live the way we want to, but it’s the only way to live this life.

I follow Bretman Rock because as of for now, although I don’t really buy into his lifestyle of luxury, he is a good demonstrator of not giving too much shit about what people say, and live his own way.

I would rather be so, than trying to be the glittering one that’s always cute and eveything.

I want to live like a badass. Like Rose of Blackpink, like Miley Cyrus who step away from her childhood image.

About Blackpink, actually I’m not obsessed. I fell for G-Dragon, and he would always be my K-pop king ever, so no one can beat him in that. But about Blackpink, I would admit that I don’t really appreciate their music as much as the hype. They are beautiful and talented, that’s undeniably true, yet, to be honest, my music playlist would have more of the disco vibes of The Weeknd, rocky nostalgia of Linkin Park, Miley Cyrus’s die hard voice and and Dua Lipa’s al-together aesthetic. Blackpink one the other hand, is too much of visual emphasis than music quality, and for that I couldn’t really buy into the current wave of ideology that YG has put forwards. Regardless, if I must pick my bias, it would be Rosé. She has an angelic voice with a low-key badass character that I love. Although initially I like Lisa more for her South East Asia background and cool-chick style, Rosé is who I would look up to the most in the group.

There are just too many things that I have thoughts on that I have not been able to put them into words, but this has helped a lot and I am thankful for the opportunities to express myself fully on my website, my platform. I was thinking of my adding a little bit of playlist, featuring some of Miley Cyrus’s newest album.

And down here is an MV from the Weeknd – In your Eyes remix ft. Doja Cat

When I think of you I think of this song. I think of all the vulnerability and insecurity that we have to share with each others to grow and heal.

But I don’t know. I think that I am just overthinking.

Anyway, I don’t want to be just a half-ass anymore.