A gloomy rainy day in Tokyo

To be frank, today was an extremely unpleasant day. It’s a day of WTF, especially because it happened so late at night that it threw me off my temple. One of my team members did not respond to do his work properly, and started to go gibblish in our group chat. The person later had said sorry, but I could not understand why it was still bothering so much. However I think that the more I write about it the worse it felt. So again, thank you very much for continuingly listening to my rant at this time. It took a bit heavy piece off my chest.

The rain

The rain has been quite heavy lately, but I’m still sheltering in place like avoiding World War III. Things are still in chaos in this huge city, Coronavirus is still crashing every records. Meanwhile, my school announced that the classes would be online next month. Ok I guess… a mix of denial and surrender, which I hate both.

I had a short call with my friend and started doubting myself whether staying would be a good option. Don’t I have any other choice now? In moments like this, I do hope and believe that I still have a choice. More than anything, I hope I have a clear head and a calm mind to make good decisions. I made a decision to stay because I thought that was best for my studying, and to make meaning I will survive this hardship. I won’t let this period of my life go to waste, and if it’s not helping for other people, at least at some point in the future, I want to say I survive it. A move of bravery? No, I don’t think so. I’m now more scared of catching the virus while flying than hanging out in a local supermarket, although the risk of being infected is quite same. Is it an cheesy and egotistic way to live through life? Yes. Nonetheless, I miss home. Let’s just that sink in. A moment of sentiment, yes, just because I miss the wind and the wave, and the hot summer breeze of my hometown, my mom’s cooking, my father’s wake up call, my annoying brother, my naughty dog, and everyone who I have known since my childhood. It’s been an incredible journey being away from home, but at this time in life, I have never wished to be home this bad.

Would the future continue to be like this?

After the announcement of my school going online for the fall semester, I have a few thoughts. This whole pandemic has launched us into deep questions about not only ourselves as an individual but also about our community as a whole. I mean, I wasn’t that worried, but I was just quite disappointed.

Denial

Given that class is still virtual, we wouldn’t be able to discuss things with our colleagues and friends in person, and perhaps, we wouldn’t be able to foster that interpersonal connections that we all need to a few extent. Not lengthy meeting, just having conversations and quick update would be enough. Perhaps we can be overwhelmed with both in person and online social interactions, but for me having the in person one is so much more meaningful and worthy. Just like compare reading paper book and reading Kindle or from a screen, having the feel of the physical matter being there is a different level. At some points, information become repetitive due to the algorithm, and you ended up repeating what people have already done, and nothing is innovative. So I’m very much frustrated. Like every other problems, we all have the decisions to keep feeling frustrated or stand up and doing something about it. I think I’m very much a hands-on person, and being a polymath myself, I just become bored so fast. Whether I’m alone or not in this matter, it’s just a fact. It’s a shame that we recognize how the modern technology made us become a bit closer to a goldfish or that of sheep, but at the same time we have to grow dependent on it. It’s another frustration. And also, I felt a little bit defeated that I have tried so hard to find a place closer to the campus, just so the classes are going to be online. But still, the reasons behind staying closer to campus is so that I can spend more time in the library (perhaps convert myself into a nerd, which is not really my favorite thing to do, but essential) and reduce transportation time. The benefits would be tremendous given that classes are going to be on campus at some points. It’s a waste if there is no use for the intended benefits isn’t it? So I do hope I have made the right decision.

Acceptance

Online classes have both advantages and disadvantages, and so far, I have been able to realize the advantage of not going to take crowded train or walk under the rain every day (Tokyo residents spend 1.42 hours on average just to go to work everyday, that’s equivalent to almost 15 days a year just to spend sitting on the train). So far, working from the comfy of my bedroom isn’t so productive, but at least it doesn’t have the unintended distraction and noise either. I think that there are a lot of potentials working digitally and creatively, given the restraint that we might have. After all, in any occasion, we would definitely see problems and disadvantages. Perhaps it’s how our mind are struggled as well: We get bored when there is nothing to do, and so our minds seek problems to solve to stay active. Well for me now it’s not really that I’m actively searching for a problem to dive in, but rather I was trained to see it more easily. And that might be a sad dilemma of growing up and learning more, or knowing much. But I would be thankful if any knowledge I have been able to acquire now would serve anyone well in the next couple of years. Who know? That’s my wish.

On the other hand (the third hand), I’m still bewildered by the fact that everything is going online now. Would I be able to accept it as it is? Would I be able to imagine myself in 5 years still sitting in front of computer screen and accept the fact that we all going to be so lack of human interaction and joy? We spend so much time online now that it takes up a huge junk of our life. My screen time was up to 6 hours last week and I’m sure that’s not only it. 

This experience obviously doesn’t spark so much joy to me 🙂 Should I throw this away or nah? (I’m still not buying in Marie Kondo, maybe I’m just stubborn and clustering)

It’s a weird time to live in, and our inner crave for excitement is upset.

And not just thinking, we do have to constantly make decisions that weight against the uncertainty that we all have to face now. What are some of your difficulties? What are some of your issues? What are some of the things we can work on to improve the situation?

By the way I stop sugar coating everything because it makes me a bit sick. Like you thought it’s sweet, but deep inside it’s rottenly bitter. I mean life does not always taste like candy and it should be just fine, if it is healthy, but at the same time, I’m doubting if this period of time is doing me any good. Regardless, I trust in the process that if it doesn’t kill me well, it makes me stronger. Now it tastes a bit bitter and soul, and it’s hella gross. Is it medicine? I don’t know, maybe, hopefully? Sugar coating might still be helpful because we are fool who need brain tricks to live happily. Ignorance about the soul and bitterness is just senseless because we might have to taste it earlier or later. Maybe we just need to sugarcoat it and consume it all, and see how far the effect would go.

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