Dragging her legs to the bathroom, she dropped herself onto the floor.
Her head has never been heavier.
She was about to scream for help, yet the thin layer between the bathroom door and the hall was going to everybody knows about her insecurity. Felt destructive, she cried, for the third time in a day. It was only 1:00 pm in the afternoon.
She blamed for the dry weather and gloomy season. A cloud over the head. Her mind was exhausted. She needed an escape. She was too tired to stay. She needed to go away.
Maybe to somewhere else, and then maybe take a break.
She called him once, no answer. She sent him a message, no reply.
She was devastated. Yet she couldn’t be less positive about whatever the sign it might be.
She needed to know the answer, or maybe not. She just wanted to talk to him, yet there’s no call. No sign of hope. No nothing. She wondered what she have done, so wrong, or whether was that she was not a good fit. She blamed herself, then blamed him.
But the shower has always been a relief. She knew that it will be alright at the end. She knew she won’t kill herself for this. She knew there are so much to believe in, and maybe this time, she might need to let it go one more time.
Maybe it wasn’t her fault. Maybe it wasn’t his. Maybe it wasn’t anybody’s fault. When we found the wrong answer to the equation, we have to move on and perhaps acknowledging the fact that the numbers we found weren’t totally responsible for the wrong mix. We just happened to discover each others, and maybe she was too odd for his coordinate.
She searched up solutions to move on. She knew she had to do something different. She needs to push herself forward. She needs support, yet in crucial moment like this, she’s the only one who can push herself.
She knew there were something she should not do when he didn’t call back. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just an experience in life that she had to deal with. She knew she was amazing, and nobody can take away that fact. Who wouldn’t want to talk to her? People lined up to talk to her, people slipping DMs to notice her their existence, people jumped on horses to demonstrate their bravery and worth to her, yet how can she let him degrade her self-respect? There has got to be something wrong with him, and while she wanted an explanation, she knew she need to take the high road. Her time is precious, and she doesn’t throw it out of the window. One day she knew she will be gone, so she won’t waste her time on bullshit. She knew if she was his priority, and if he was going for her hard enough, he would have it, but no, this is not a game anymore. He must show his dedication, or else, this is the end to the rest.
She restrained herself from bombarding him with text messages. She knew clearly that he didn’t want to talk to her. That was clear. Nothing to argue with. Ghosting on a woman is immature and childish, and she knew she didn’t need a childish, immature boy around any close.
She was pretty active on social media, so she would already plotting content to roast and calling him out, or even describe how devastating it is to be heartbroken. People won’t get it, and they will definitely take it as a lack of context expression of vulnerability. However, she pulled herself away from it, knowing that would not make her become any better person.
It doesn’t affect him either, so why bothered. Both of them were pretty much already exhausted.
At this point she was already giving up on hope of him calling her back. She knew this was a bad romance. She knew she was just irrational. She, at this point, doesn’t need an explanation anymore. She was done, and ready to move on.
She decided not to delete him from any source of contact. At the end, it was more for her state of mind. More than anyone she knew even if she deleted, if he needed help, she would not be able to provide. Or no, just behave like a grown up, and let the emotion sink. She was fine to face the hardship, but she knew to keep it at stage one means not to be stranger, but to be very distant from each others.
And she won’t sit and wait either. She wrote down important things she would love to finish, she was wrapping her head around extraordinary things. She wrote letters to people who care for her, and letting her know their support. She wrote letters to people who she care about, and cannot live without even from half the world apart.
She knew that she didn’t have to blame herself. She knew he was struggling at first. She was sad to see him be that way. She was sad that everytime she was with him, she couldn’t help. She was sad that such an amazing person like him would reject her, and would stay away from her. But after all, what every reasons he had, she knew she shouldn’t blame herself. He might have been going through a major crisis, or stressed from work, or perhaps he decided to rekindle things with his ex. Who knows? He knew. And she didn’t have the responsibility to know. It would save her brain cells. Would she ever let him in again, after all this heartbreak? Perhaps not, and that maybe the reason why he was not picking up the call. This might have been anticipated. She was fascinated because of his wit, his intelligence, his kindness and honesty, and never done wrong to her except breaking her heart. So it might be it. Pain will be healed and scar might be still.
She thought she had tried her best. So let it be the outcome.
After all, she have finally learned that, rejection from those who she cares the most, hurt the most. She needs to learn more about that. She might want to understand more of that, and maybe next time around, she would be more aware. She was fine, and she knew there was still wars to fight with. This is just a minor wave of sadness in a pool of blue that she has dived in. She knew that from the above, the sun and stars still shining and waited to come out fast.